Another birthday board

Morning darklings,

It’s that time again. To celebrate me, summer, thriving plants, and eating fresh food from the garden while sitting beside flowers covered in bees and ladybugs. It’s June, is what I’m saying, and for those who don’t know, June is my birth month. Though so much is happening I don’t have a full birthday post this year, I must take a pause to take stock in getting another year older.

Aging is like a seesaw. There is the wisdom that comes with time that makes the seesaw rise, and the loss of innocence that makes it fall. Experiencing joy in things that went unnoticed before will make it rise again, but the inability to do what we’ve always done makes it fall once again. Finding yourself, rise. Realizing that doesn’t include everything you thought it would, fall. And so it goes.

Without realizing it, I think my 36th year of life was about learning. Not textbook things, per se (though certainly there was that), but just learning.

What I know now that I didn’t is a long list, including nutritional facts, behind-the-scenes information on how Netflix became the success it is today, and a fresh understanding of the basics of neuroscience. But I walked away with some Little lessons and some Little knowledge about myself. Bite-sized things I’ll carry with me, long after I forget what Na stands for.

Bodies must be heard. Only from there can one get on a path to healing. Being “healed” for some is a fallacy. Acceptance of that is hard and complicated and breathtaking and beautiful and necessary.

For me personally, true forgiveness must be earned. I let the anger go, as I can’t let it live in my heart rent-free, but I can no longer just forgive bad behavior. That is the easiest way to let it happen again.

I am worth more than half-hearted relationships in any form. Not showing up is unacceptable (and this goes both ways, which I hope people are willing to call me on, should I be falling short). Taking on other’s responsibilities or watching something crumble should not be my only two options, as often as it has been.

The importance of telling someone how you feel when you feel it cannot be understated.

Creating ways to find joy continues to be one of the most vital things to keeping me sane—be that smelling flowers or starting a small and achievable art project that has no reason to be made other than to make me feel accomplished.

A sense of safety can change everything in one’s life, and the fact that it’s not a given for everyone makes me just as angry as I am grateful that I have it now.

Projects are wonderful and bring me joy, but I can’t do as many a year as I have in the past. There are too many messy factors that drain me.

Ignoring boxes and genres and roles and expectations is where I will always feel most comfortable. And though I know that some people grow in discomfort, I believe I grow most while in pajamas, trying something new.

I can and will do whatever it takes to have a happy life. Fight, bleed, cry, go broke, give up things, take on things I can’t for a while, move through the muck. Life can end in five minutes, so I have to strive for something better.

I hope the lessons I learn in 37 will bring less pain and grief and confusion and loss and upheaval. But without the dark, I may not get the same amount of light. So who’s to say if that’s what’s best. I’ll let the universe decide, I suppose.

*A quick reminder for those who live in Portland, OR and surrounding areas:

The Claw Machine launch party is next Friday (the 13th)! Come join us!

and now, the two-part mood board:

PART 1: What was 36

Part 2: What I want for 37

I only have thoughts, no questions today.

*Also, yesterday, Cody Cook-Parrot wrote about their 37th birthday, acceptance of a changing body shape, and finding beauty in themselves in ways they’ve always found in others. For so many reasons, it hit.

Until next time.