Different, but only just

Morning darklings,

I try to keep a schedule in my life. As a spoonie, that’s important.

On Monday, I have infusions. Tuesdays, a friend comes over to my house to chat or write. Tuesday nights, I write at a local diner. Every other Wednesday, I spend writing, doing errands, seeing a friend. The alternate, I recoup—I paint, write, play video games, do nothing. And on and on it goes.

I try to keep a schedule for my newsletter and my projects, too, assigning days of the week to things for clarity and continuity, and, if I’m being honest, to keep me grounded.

Of course there’s a big problem—one pain day, and it all tumbles down; a relapse, and it all collapses.

Still, in some ways, it’s perfect. I have time to be creative and get things done and make sure there is time to rest. But on the other hand, it leaves little room for spontaneity. Friends have to use an app to schedule time with me, often months in advance (and no, this is not an exaggeration).

Now and again, I find myself longing for the days I allowed myself to float. In between the time of grieving and grieving, there was a small stretch of time I didn’t force myself to have a schedule. I did what I did when I wanted to. I’d wake up and say, What do I want to do today? I’m not in that season—partially by choice, partially by necessity.

But I’m seeing a shift. I’m noticing the path I’ve long been laying the stones down for finally making its way through the woods. It’s a way to have the best of both worlds, I think. There are a few more stones that must be places just so, then I can stand on the other side of Too Much, of stress, of overwhelm, of having it all but crashing the moment I’m done, of forgetting myself to get it done, of letting the negative cling, of exhaustion without satisfaction.

The other side is me being taking on no more than a total of 4 projects (including my current WIP) so I can work on whatever I want whenever I want to without ever feeling behind. It’s me considering different kinds of projects so I never feel stuck or bored. It’s me writing newsletters once a week, but sending them out on Fridays to give myself more breathing room or on super important days, rather than waiting for a schedule I made so long ago. They will filled with whatever I feel like it (mood boards, essays, short blips of thoughts, news, whatever) instead of stuffing my thoughts in an order they aren’t fitting in anymore.

The other side is deleted social media so no one can say they tagged me in anything so I feel obligated to go on the platforms. It’s me taking my time back without canceling plans or reworking a perfectly crafted calendar.

And if my psychologist has anything to say about it, the other side is also me going to therapy every other or every two months, rather than once a month or every three weeks. She thinks it’s time for me to take the tools I have and go forward, centering my life around joy and love and creativity.

Not much is changing, really. My schedule will stay the same. When I leave the house or stay in, when I wear pajamas or real clothes, go on a walk or save my energy for driving doesn’t change. I’m just capitalizing on the timing being right, and working to fragment my time less.

I know my writing, my energy, and my life will only get better with the space.

Oh, and if you’re loving this newsletter and wanting to support me, consider buying my books or dropping me a little tip for the weekly reading material.

And now, let’s jump into the last Tuesday mood board.

COOL LOCAL EVENT ALERT

I haven’t been able to be in a theatre in a while—either kind, actually. But especially a movie theatre. It’s disappointing (to say the least) for someone who met their hubs while working at one. Movies were once my whole life—making them, watching them, talking about them, threading them, starting them, sweeping up after other people watched them. Things are different now.

But recently, I got the opportunity to screen some shorts and films and music videos for a local film festival. I rated them to help the planning committee choose which films to show, which to nominate for awards, etc. But now, the time has come for the festival to be here in person.

Now, I’m going to try so very very very hard to see the animated horror shorts. There is stop-motion goodness and the filmmakers are there and zombie films from around the world. At the same time, the last film I went to took me down for a week from one loud song’s vibration. Still, I’m going to try. Or at least show up and say hey, meet the organizer that offered me the films and congratulate the hardworking filmmakers.

Either way—whether I can attend or not—you should. It’s going to be a blast! The ones I’ve seen were so good and original. This film festival has given me hope that creativity is not a dying art. Given that Netflix has been peddling lately, I was beginning to worry.

So here are the deets. Go, watch the things and support local awesome people and movies from everywhere.

Portland Festival of Cinema, Animation &Technology on August 6-10 at OMSI

questions of the week

1. How are you at scheduling?

2. What food should you not be trusted with?

3. What is your tagline for the day?

Until next time.