Untethered fiction

Morning darklings,

I missed a week. I’m shocked, but also, that fits with my brain and life of late. I would have bet a million dollars that I’d made a mood board, that I’d hit send, but alas.

It’s Tuesday but also Thursday. But actually it’s Friday. It feels like today but also last week. Truly, it’s an hour before I hit send.

In my fabulist crip fic book, currently with beta readers, I have to make that sensation readable, as some of the realistic story parts see my character losing time—hours, days, thinking it’s yesterday when it’s a day from now. It’s easy to write these bits because I, myself, am back in this state—dissociating often as of late. And I do mean the truest definition. My brain lets go, and I am untethered. I am not in control of these moments.

When writing, I tried to evoke a sense of floating. Half of my editing time went to making sure the reader would feel adrift without the disquiet, be at peace with the heavy weight of dissociation.

To live in this is similar. I must make peace. I must calm the disquiet.

So I’m setting timers again—a practice I swore I’d never give up but let slide when we moved and I thought I had more control of this. I’m putting water cups all over the house for me to discover as I move through the day. Dehydration is my biggest enemy.

My calendar is filled with reminders of everything from medication to driving to this newsletter to rest time to looking up a website someone suggested.

I’m finding ways to weigh myself down again.

questions of the week

1. What have you been up to this last week?

2. If you could drop everything and move somewhere new, would you? And if so, where?

3. If you could be a texture, what would it be?

(also sorry I haven’t responded to your comments lately, doing that this week; I appreciate you all! <3)

my answers of the week

1. Finishing my cookbook (so so close to being done), losing time, had a reading, which was amazing (I’ll share the recording soon), and getting to know a new cast of characters for a very surreal book I just started.

2. Yes, 1000%. Maybe England somewhere? Or Sweden? The hubs and I have a list of places, but we’d need to check in and see how they like Americans right now.

3. Soft with a side of fluffy.

Until next time.